搞笑英语话剧剧本
篇一：搞笑英语话剧剧本
英语话剧剧本Pygmalion
Pygmalion(ByGeorgeBernardShaw)ACTI
CoventGardenat11.15p.m.Torrentsofheavysummerrain.Cabwhistlelowingfranticallyinalldirectio.PedestriaruingforshelterintothemarketandundertheporticoofSt.Paul’sChurch,wheretherearealreadyseveralpeople,amongthemaladyandherdaughterineveningdre.Theyareallpeeringoutgloomilyattherain,exceptonemanwithhiackturnedtotherest,whoseemswhollypreoccupiedwithanotebookinwhichheiswritingbusily.Thechurchclockstrikesthefirstquarter.
THEDAUGHTER
[intheacebetweenthecentralpillars,closetotheoneonherleft]I’mgettingchilledtothebone.WhatcanFreddybedoingallthistime?Heeengonetwentyminutes.
THEMOTHER
[Onherdaughter’sright]Notsolong.Butheoughttohavegotusacaythis.
ABYSTANDER
[onthelady’sright]Hewontgetnocaotuntilhalf-pasteleven,mius,whentheycomebackafterdroingtheirtheatrefares.
THEMOTHER
Butwemusthaveacab.Wecantstandhereuntilhalf-pasteleven.It’stoobad.
THEBYSTANDER
Well,itaintmyfault,mius.
THEDAUGHTER
IfFreddyhadabitofgumption,hewouldhavegotoneatthetheatredoor.
THEMOTHER
Whatcouldhehavedone,poorboy?
THEDAUGHTER
Otherpeoplegotca.Whycouldnthe?
FreddyrushesinoutoftherainfromtheSouthamptotreetside,andcomeetweenthemclosingadriingumbrella.Heisayoungmanoftwenty,ineveningdre,verywetaroundtheankles.
THEDAUGHTER
Well,havntyougotacab?
FREDDY
Thereotonetobehadforloveormoney.
THEMOTHER
Oh,Freddy,theremustbeone.Youcanthavetried.
THEDAUGHTER
It’stootiresome.Doyouexpectustogoandgetoneourselves?
FREDDY
Itellyoutheyreallengaged.Therainwaosudden:nobodywarepared;andeverybodyhadtotakeacab.IvebeentoCharingCroonewayandnearlytoLudgateCircustheother;andtheywereallengaged.
THEMOTHER
DidyoutryTrafalgarSquare?
FREDDY
TherewatoneatTrafalgarSquare.
THEDAUGHTER
Didyoutry?
FREDDY
ItriedasfarasCharingCrotation.DidyouexpectmetowalktoHammersmith?
THEDAUGHTER
Youhavnttriedatall.
THEMOTHER
Youreallyareveryhelple,Freddy.Goagaianddontcomebackuntilyouhavefoundacab.
FREDDY
Ishallsimplygetsoakedfornothing.
THEDAUGHTER
Andwhataboutus?Arewetostayhereallnightinthisdraught,withnexttonothingon.Youselfishpig--
FREDDY
Oh,verywell:I’llgo,I’llgo.[HeopehisumbrellaanddashesoffStrandwards,butcomesintocollisionwithaflowergirl,whoishurryinginforshelter,knockingherbasketoutofherhands.Ablindingflashoflightning,followeditantlybyarattlingpealofthunder,orchestratestheincident].
THEFLOWERGIRL
Nahthen,Freddy:lookwh’y’gowin,deah.
FREDDY
Sorry[herushesoff].
THEFLOWERGIRL
[pickingupherscatteredflowersandreplacingtheminthebasket]Theresmeersf’yer!Te-oobanchesovoyletstrodintothemad.[Shesitsdownontheplinthofthecolumn,sortingherflowers,onthelady’sright.Sheiotatallanattractiveperson.Sheierhaeighteen,perhatwenty,hardlyolder.ShewearsalittlesailorhatofblackstrawthathaslongbeenexposedtothedustandsootofLondonandhaeldomifeverbeerushed.Herhairneedswashingratherbadly:itsmousycolorcanhardlybenatural.Shewearsashoddyblackcoatthatreacheearlytoherkneesandihapedtoherwaist.Shehasabrowkirtwithacoarseapron.Herbootsaremuchtheworseforwear.Sheiodoubtascleanahecanaffordtobeutcomparedtotheladieheisverydirty.Herfeaturesarenoworsethantheiruttheirconditionleaveomethingtobedesired;andsheneedstheservicesofadentist].
THEMOTHER
Howdoyouknowthatmyson’ameisFreddy,pray?
THEFLOWERGIRL
Ow,eezye-ooasan,ise?Wal,fewddany’de-ootybawmzamathershould,eednowbetterntoawlaporegel’sflahrznthanranawyathahtpyin.Willye-oopymef’them?[Here,withapologies,thisdeerateattempttorepresentherdialectwithoutaphoneticalphabetmustbeabandonedasunintelligibleoutsideLondon.]
THEDAUGHTER
Donothingofthesort,mother.Theidea!
THEMOTHER
Pleaseallowme,Clara.Haveyouanypeies?
THEDAUGHTER
No.I’venothingsmallerthaixpence.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[hopefully]Icangiveyouchangeforataer,kindlady.
THEMOTHER
[toClara]Giveittome.[Clarapartsreluctantly].Now[tothegirl]Thisisforyourflowers.
THEFLOWERGIRL
Thankyoukindly,lady.
THEDAUGHTER
Makehergiveyouthechange.Thesethingsareonlyapeyabunch.
THEMOTHER
Doholdyourtongue,Clara.[Tothegirl].Youcankeepthechange.
THEFLOWERGIRL
Oh,thankyou,lady.
THEMOTHER
Nowtellmehowyouknowthatyounggentleman’ame.
THEFLOWERGIRL
Ididnt.
THEMOTHER
Iheardyoucallhimbyit.Donttrytodeceiveme.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[protesting]Whostryingtodeceiveyou?IcalledhimFreddyorCharliesameasyoumightyourselfifyouwastalkingtoastrangerandwishedtobepleasant.[Shesitsdowesideherbasket].
THEDAUGHTER
Sixpencethrownaway!Really,mamma,youmighthavearedFreddythat.[Sheretreatsindisgustbehindthepillar].
Anelderlygentlemanoftheamiablemilitarytyperushesintoshelter,andclosesadriingumbrella.HeisinthesameplightasFreddy,verywetabouttheankles.Heisineveningdre,withalightovercoat.Hetakestheplaceleftvacantbythedaughter’sretirement.
THEGENTLEMAN
Phew!
THEMOTHER
[tothegentleman]Oh,sir,isthereanysignofittoing?
THEGENTLEMAN
I’mafraidnot.Itstartedworsethaneverabouttwominutesago.[Hegoestotheplinthbesidetheflowergirlutsuphisfootonit;andstoototurndownhistrouserends].
THEMOTHER
Oh,dear![Sheretireadlyandjoiherdaughter].
THEFLOWERGIRL
[takingadvantageofthemilitarygentleman’roximitytoestablishfriendlyrelatiowithhim].Ifit’sworseit’sasignit’earlyover.Socheerup,Captaiandbuyafloweroffapoorgirl.
THEGENTLEMAN
I’msorry,Ihavntanychange.
THEFLOWERGIRL
Icangiveyouchange,Captain.
THEGENTLEMEN
Forasovereign?Ivenothingle.
THEFLOWERGIRL
Garn!Ohdobuyafloweroffme,Captain.Icanchangehalf-a-crown.Takethisfortuence.
THEGENTLEMAN
Nowdontbetroublesome:theresagoodgirl.[Tryinghiockets]Ireallyhavntanychange--Stop:heresthreehapence,ifthatsanyusetoyou[heretreatstotheotherpillar].
THEFLOWERGIRL
[disaointed,butthinkingthreehalfpencebetterthaothing]Thankyou,sir.
THEBYSTANDER
[tothegirl]Youbecareful:givehimaflowerforit.Theresablokeherebehindtakingdowneverybleedwordyouresaying.[Allturntothemanwhoistakingnotes].
THEFLOWERGIRL
[ringingupterrified]Iaintdonenothingwrongbyeakingtothegentleman.IvearighttosellflowersifIkeepoffthekerb.[Hysterically]I’mareectablegirl:sohelpme,Ineveroketohimexcepttoaskhimtobuyafloweroffme.[Generalhuub,mostlysympathetictotheflowergirl,butdeprecatingherexceiveseibility.CriesofDontstarthollerin.Whoshurtingyou?Nobody’sgoingtotouchyou.Whatsthegoodoffuing?Steadyon.Easy,easy,etc.,comefromtheelderlystaidectators,whopathercomfortingly.Leatientoneidhershutherhead,oraskherroughlywhatiswrongwithher.Aremotergroup,notknowingwhatthematteris,crowdinandincreasethenoisewithquestionandawer:Whatstherow?Whatshedo?Whereishe?Atectakingherdown.What!him?Yes:himoverthere:Tookmoneyoffthegentleman,etc.Theflowergirl,distraughtandmoed,breaksthroughthemtothegentleman,cryingwildly]Oh,sir,dontlethimchargeme.Youduowhatitmeatome.Theylltakeawaymycharacteranddrivemeonthestreetsforeakingtogentlemen.They--
THENOTETAKER
[comingforwardonherright,therestcrowdingafterhim]There,there,there,there!whoshurtingyou,yousillygirl?Whatdoyoutakemefor?
THEBYSTANDER
It’sallright:hesagentleman:lookathioots.[Explainingtothenotetaker]Shethoughtyouwasacoer’ark,sir.
THENOTETAKER
[withquickinterest]Whatsacoer’ark?
THEBYSTANDER
[inaptatdefinition]It’sa--well,it’sacoer’ark,asyoumightsay.Whatelsewouldyoucallit?Asortofinformer.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[stillhysterical]ItakemyBibleoathIneversaidaword--
THENOTETAKER
[overbearingbutgood-humored]Oh,shutup,shutup.DoIlooklikeapoliceman?
THEFLOWERGIRL
[farfromreaured]Thenwhatdidyoutakedownmywordsfor?HowdoIknowwhetheryoutookmedownright?Youjustshewmewhatyouvewroteaboutme.[Thenotetakeropehiookandholdsitsteadilyunderhernose,thoughthepreureofthemobtryingtoreaditoverhihoulderswoulduetaweakerman].Whatsthat?Thataintproperwriting.Icantreadthat.
THENOTETAKER
Ican.[Reads,reproducingherpronunciationexactly]"Cheerap,Kepti’bawyaflahrorfaporegel."
THEFLOWERGIRL
[muchdistreed]It’ecauseIcalledhimCaptain.Imeantnoharm.[Tothegentleman]Oh,sir,dontlethimlayachargeagenmeforawordlikethat.You--
THEGENTLEMAN
Charge!Imakenocharge.[Tothenotetaker]Really,sir,ifyouareadetective,youneednotbegirotectingmeagaitmolestatioyyoungwomenuntilIaskyou.Anybodycouldseethatthegirlmeantnoharm.
THEBYSTANDERSGENERALLY
[demotratingagaitpoliceeionage]Coursetheycould.Whatbusineisitofyours?Youmindyourownaffairs.Hewantromotion,hedoes.Takingdoweople’swords!Girlneversaidawordtohim.Whatharmifshedid?Nicethingagirlcantshelterfromtherainwithoutbeingiulted,etc.,etc.,etc.[Sheisconductedbythemoresympatheticdemotratoracktoherplinth,wheresheresumesherseatandstruggleswithheremotion.]
THEBYSTANDER
Heaintatec.Hesabloomingbusybody:thatswhatheis.Itellyou,lookathioots.
THENOTETAKER
[turningonhimgenially]AndhowareallyourpeopledownatSelsey?
THEBYSTANDER
[suiciously]WhotoldyoumypeoplecomefromSelsey?
THENOTETAKER
Neveryoumind.Theydid.[Tothegirl]Howdoyoucometobeuofareast?YouwereborninLionGrove.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[aalled]Oh,whatharmisthereinmyleavingLionGrove?ItwatfitforapigtoliveiandIhadtopayfour-and-sixaweek.[Intears]Oh,boo--hoo--oo--
THENOTETAKER
Livewhereyoulikeutstopthatnoise.
THEGENTLEMAN
[tothegirl]Come,come!hecanttouchyou:youhavearighttolivewhereyouplease.
ASARCASTICBYSTANDER
[thrustinghimselfbetweenthenotetakerandthegentleman]ParkLane,foritance.IdliketogointotheHousingQuestionwithyou,Iwould.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[suidingintoabroodingmelancholyoverherbasket,andtalkingverylow-iritedlytoherself]I’magoodgirl,Iam.
THESARCASTICBYSTANDER
[notattendingtoher]DoyouknowwhereIcomefrom?
THENOTETAKER
[promptly]Hoxton.
Titterings.Popularinterestinthenotetaker’erformanceincreases.
THESARCASTICONE
[amazed]Well,whosaidIdidnt?Blyme!Youknoweverything,youdo.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[stillnursingherseeofinjury]Aintnocalltomeddlewithme,heaint.
THEBYSTANDER
[toher]Ofcourseheaint.Dontyoustanditfromhim.[Tothenotetaker]Seehere:whatcallhaveyoutoknowaboutpeoplewhatneverofferedtomeddlewithyou?Wheresyourwarrant?
SEVERALBYSTANDERS
[encouragedbythieemingpointoflaw]Yes:wheresyourwarrant?
THEFLOWERGIRL
Lethimsaywhathelikes.Idontwanttohavenotruckwithhim.
THEBYSTANDER
Youtakeusfordirtunderyourfeet,dontyou?Catchyoutakinglibertieswithagentleman!
THESARCASTICBYSTANDER
Yes:tellhimwherehecomefromifyouwanttogofortune-telling.
THENOTETAKER
Cheltenham,Harrow,Cambridge,andIndia.
THEGENTLEMAN
Quiteright.[Greatlaughter.Reactioninthenotetaker’sfavor.ExclamatioofHeknowsallaboutit.Toldhimproper.Hearhimtellthetoffwherehecomefrom?etc.].MayIask,sir,doyoudothisforyourlivingatamusichall?
THENOTETAKER
Ivethoughtofthat.PerhaIshallsomeday.
Therainhatoed;andthepersoontheoutsideofthecrowdbegintodropoff.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[resentingthereaction]Heogentleman,heaint,tointerferewithapoorgirl.
THEDAUGHTER
[outofpatience,pushingherwayrudelytothefrontanddilacingthegentleman,whopolitelyretirestotheothersideofthepillar]WhatonearthisFreddydoing?IshallgeteumoniaifIstayinthisdraughtanylonger.
THENOTETAKER
[tohimself,hastilymakinganoteofherpronunciationof"monia"]Earlscourt.
THEDAUGHTER
[violently]Willyoupleasekeepyourimpertinentremarkstoyourself?
THENOTETAKER
DidIsaythatoutloud?Ididntmeanto.Ibegyourpardon.Yourmother’sEom,unmistakeably.
THEMOTHER
[advancingbetweenherdaughterandthenotetaker]Howverycurious!IwaroughtupinLargeladyPark,nearEom.
THENOTETAKER
[uproariouslyamused]Ha!ha!Whatadevilofaname!Excuseme.[Tothedaughter]Youwantacab,doyou?
THEDAUGHTER
Dontdareeaktome.
THEMOTHER
Oh,please,pleaseClara.[Herdaughterrepudiatesherwithanangryshrugandretireshaughtily.]Weshouldbesogratefultoyou,sir,ifyoufoundusacab.[Thenotetakerproducesawhistle].Oh,thankyou.[Shejoiherdaughter].
Thenotetakerblowsapiercingblast.
THESARCASTICBYSTANDER
There!Iknowedhewasaplain-clothescoer.
THEBYSTANDER
Thataintapolicewhistle:thatsaortingwhistle.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[stillpreoccupiedwithherwoundedfeelings]Heorighttotakeawaymycharacter.Mycharacteristhesametomeasanylady’s.
THENOTETAKER
Idontknowwhetheryouvenoticedituttheraitoedabouttwominutesago.
THEBYSTANDER
Soithas.Whydidntyousaysobefore?anduslosingourtimelisteningtoyoursilline.[HewalksofftowardstheStrand].
THESARCASTICBYSTANDER
Icantellwhereyoucomefrom.YoucomefromAnwell.Gobackthere.
THENOTETAKER
[helpfully]Hanwell.
THESARCASTICBYSTANDER
[affectinggreatdistinctionofeech]Thenkyou,teacher.Hawhaw!Solong[hetoucheshishatwithmockreectandstrollsoff].
THEFLOWERGIRL
Frighteningpeoplelikethat!Howwouldhelikeithimself.
THEMOTHER
It’squitefinenow,http://fanwen.chazidian.com[ShegathersherskirtsaboveheranklesandhurriesofftowardstheStrand].
THEDAUGHTER
Butthecab--[hermotherisoutofhearing].Oh,howtiresome![Shefollowsangrily].
Alltheresthavegoneexceptthenotetaker,thegentleman,andtheflowergirl,whositsarrangingherbasket,andstillpityingherselfinmurmurs.
THEFLOWERGIRL
Poorgirl!Hardenoughforhertolivewithoutbeingworritedandchivied.
THEGENTLEMAN
[returningtohisformerplaceonthenotetaker’sleft]Howdoyoudoit,ifImayask?
THENOTETAKER
Simplyphonetics.Thescienceofeech.Thatsmyprofeion:alsomyhoy.Hayisthemanwhocanmakealivingbyhishoy!YoucaotanIrishmanoraYorkshiremayhirogue.Icalaceanymanwithiixmiles.IcalacehimwithintwomilesinLondon.Sometimeswithintwostreets.
THEFLOWERGIRL
Oughttobeashamedofhimself,unmanlycoward!
THEGENTLEMAN
Butistherealivinginthat?
THENOTETAKER
Ohyes.Quiteafatone.Thisisanageofutarts.MeegininKentishTownwith?0ayear,andendiarkLanewithahundredthousand.TheywanttodropKentishTowuttheygivethemselvesawayeverytimetheyopentheirmouths.NowIcanteachthem--
THEFLOWERGIRL
Lethimmindhisowusineandleaveapoorgirl--
THENOTETAKER
[explosively]Woman:ceasethisdetestableboohooingitantly;orelseseektheshelterofsomeotherplaceofworship.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[withfeebledefiance]IvearighttobehereifIlike,sameasyou.
THENOTETAKER
Awomanwhoutteruchdepreinganddisgustingsoundshaorighttobeanywhere--norighttolive.Rememberthatyouareahumaeingwithasoulandthedivinegiftofarticulateeech:thatyournativelanguageisthelanguageofShakeearandMiltonandTheBible;anddontsittherecrooninglikeabiliouigeon.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[quiteoverwhelmed,andlookingupathiminmingledwonderanddeprecationwithoutdaringtoraiseherhead]Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo!
THENOTETAKER
[w(转载于:www.Zw2.cN 爱 作 文 网:搞笑英语话剧剧本)hiingouthiook]Heave!whatasound![Hewritethenholdsoutthebookandreads,reproducinghervowelsexactly]Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo!
THEFLOWERGIRL
[tickledbytheperformance,andlaughingiiteofherself]Garn!
THENOTETAKER
YouseethiscreaturewithherkertoneEnglish:theEnglishthatwillkeepherintheguttertotheendofherdays.Well,sir,inthreemonthsIcouldpathatgirloffasaducheatanambaador’sgardearty.Icouldevengetheraplaceaslady’smaidorshopaistant,whichrequireetterEnglish.ThatsthesortofthingIdoforcommercialmillionaires.AndontheprofitsofitIdogenuinescientificworkihonetics,andalittleasapoetonMiltoniclines.
THEGENTLEMAN
IammyselfastudentofIndiandialectand--
THENOTETAKER
[eagerly]Areyou?DoyouknowColonelPickering,theauthorofokeacrit?
THEGENTLEMAN
IamColonelPickering.Whoareyou?
THENOTETAKER
HenryHiggi,authorofHiggi’sUniversalAlphabet.
PICKERING
[withenthusiasm]IcamefromIndiatomeetyou.
HIGGI
IwasgoingtoIndiatomeetyou.
PICKERING
Wheredoyoulive?
HIGGI
http://fanwen.chazidian.com /PICKERING
I’http://fanwen.chazidian.com /HIGGI
Rightyouare.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[toPickering,ashepaesher]Buyaflower,kindgentleman.I’mshortformylodging.
PICKERING
Ireallyhavntanychange.I’msorry[hegoesaway].
HIGGI
[shockedatgirl’smendacity]Liar.Yousaidyoucouldchangehalf-a-crown.
THEFLOWERGIRL
[risingindeeration]Yououghttobestuffedwithnails,youought.[Flingingthebasketathisfeet]Takethewholebloomingbasketforsixpence.
Thechurchclockstrikesthesecondquarter.
HIGGI
[hearinginitthevoiceofGod,rebukinghimforhiharisaicwantofcharitytothepoorgirl]Areminder.[Heraiseshishatsolemnly;thenthrowsahandfulofmoneyintothebasketandfollowickering].
THEFLOWERGIRL
[pickingupahalf-crown]Ah-ow-ooh![Pickingupacoupleofflori]Aaah-ow-ooh![Pickingueveralcoi]Aaaaaah-ow-ooh![Pickingupahalf-sovereign]Aaaaaaaaaaaah-ow-ooh!!!
FREDDY
[ringingoutofataxicab]Gotoneatlast.Hallo![Tothegirl]Wherearethetwoladiesthatwerehere?
THEFLOWERGIRL
Theywalkedtothebuswhentheraitoed.
FREDDY
Andleftmewithacabonmyhands.Damnation!
THEFLOWERGIRL
[withgrandeur]Neveryoumind,youngman.I’mgoinghomeinataxi.[Shesailsofftothecab.Thedriverputshishandbehindhimandholdsthedoorfirmlyshutagaither.Quiteunderstandinghismistrust,sheshewshimherhandfulofmoney.]Eightpenceaintnoobjecttome,Charlie.[Hegriandopethedoor].AngelCourt,DruryLane,roundthecornerofMicklejohn’soilshop.Leteehowfastyoucanmakeherhopit.[Shegetsinandpullsthedoortowithaslamasthetaxicatarts].
FREDDY
Well,I’mdashed!
篇二：搞笑英语话剧剧本
小品总是会给人带来笑声，好看的小品表演得由会演的人来表演才会表演得比较灵活灵现，才能带来更多的笑声。
人物：2个考官，3个应聘者
(某公司招聘推销主管)
应聘者：龙民：一个农业养殖户，泰有才：一个没有社会背景的高才生，贞有权：一个官家子弟。
泰有才(背这手，度着步子，抬着头思索状)：岁月不留人，时间飞逝过，如今的市场，我也来竞争
贞有权(西装革履，大步走上)：根据本人的调查，在这个竞争日益激烈的市场，要求一份好的工作的确很难，同志们呐，为了生存我也来此应聘了。
第一个考官说：你们都是来应聘的，我们公司要的是推销方面的人才，要么有学历，要么有经验你们都是有学历的人。。
(突然从门外闯近来一个破烂衣服的人，跑得太急差点摔倒)
闯近来的农民边挠头边憨厚的说：大姐，对不起，俺迟到了
(副考官怒火直冒)：谁是你大姐`?本姑娘才一支花的年龄!!诶?怎么会突然冒出这么个人出`!
(龙民惊讶的看着考官说)：大姐?俺村没一支一支的花只有一大把一大把的`!(做夸张的，用抱的姿势来形容花多)
(副考官捏紧拳头强忍怒火的样子说)：好了。现在开始自我介绍，把你们的姓名，住址，年龄，民族，生日，性别，婚姻状况，学历。。。。报上来
(3个应聘者作惊讶状)(主考官笑笑说)：不用这么多，把你们的名字和学历经验报上来就行
贞有权：这才差不多，否则我还以为到派出所了`!
泰有才：我叫泰有才，泰国的泰，本人硕士毕业，经过学校文化的熏陶，经过社会的磨砺，经过人生的考验，我来到了贵公司应聘。我将把我的知识为公司推销，用我的文化来推销，把世界观，价值观，荣辱观带到公司的整体利益中来。。。。
副考官：停停停，罗嗦，下一个!(泰有才扶了扶眼镜，把头一昂退了退)
贞有权：我叫贞有权，贞德的贞。我毕业于那个什么H大，由于社会的竞争，恩，是吧，我来到了这个公司，然后呢，我想竟聘这个职位，我的话说完了，谢谢各位
(中间考官动作自己加)
龙民：俺叫龙民，一条龙的龙(全场暴笑)俺别的没有，就是经验丰富，具体有啥经验请听下回分解。
贞有权：到底是龙民，名字都取得这么农民
主考官:好了好了好了，开始提问
副考官：请问如果有一个漂亮的姑娘出现在你面前你要怎么推销自己让她接受你?
龙民：考官，能不能不要?俺已经有媳妇了，俺怕俺媳妇不让俺睡床。
(愤怒)副考官：假设，假设懂吗`?!!
龙民：假设，哦。
泰有才：哎，真为没知识的人感到悲哀。
泰有才：我会朗诵一首很有情调的词，让她臣服在我的文采之中
贞有权：我回叫所有交警在那位姑娘出现的地方大声喊：美丽的姑娘：贞有权，真爱你
龙民：俺虽然还是怕但是俺也要把握机会，俺会说：大妹子，俺会做饭，俺会洗衣，俺会种地，俺还会带娃，就是生不了娃，你帮俺生个胖娃，成不?
副考官：泰有才，你认为一首诗可以打动那位姑娘`?如果真那样，那每天都会有很多老太太爱上你，因为你每天都说了很多话。你现在就去朗诵一首诗看能不能让对面(卖臭干子){这一句可以用长沙话}的大妈接受你
副考官：贞有权，你说你可以叫所有的交警帮你，那好，你先一个人去街上找个姑娘大声说你爱她，看她会不会说你神经病!
副考官：龙民，哎，就你那熊样还开口就想别人姑娘给你生个娃啊?你以为别人是你家养的猪啊` 想生就生
副考官：既然是推销自己就应该把对方当做堡垒攻下。
龙民：考官，现在是和平年代，哪来什么堡垒啊，要是说现在要打鬼子的堡垒俺村的壮丁都早就操起锄头上了，还轮得上俺吗?
副考官：哎，你这个人啊，这还是假设，假设!!诶，我就纳闷了，龙民你凭什么进的我们这应聘的?
龙民：俺有经验啊(拍拍胸脯，昂起头，作骄傲状)
副考官：你有经验?那你怎么说得驴头不对马嘴的?
龙民(作委屈状)：哪有，俺真的有经验，你看啊，俺在家里卖过鸡，俺在村里卖过猪，俺在乡里卖过牛，又在城里卖过血，这不都是经验嘛,噢，对了当年我卖牛的时候还有个20出头的小伙子对我说大叔你怎么敢在大马路上卖牛啊，你真是牛A与牛C中间那个，我就纳闷那是什么意思，到后来被城管逮了城管对俺说了句你真牛B。俺到现在还纳闷，怎么俺买个牛咋就成牛ABC了?
(副考官低下头沉默了一会)然后抬起头说：俺觉得你可以回家再去卖血得了
龙民：考官，你说的不对，俺是在城里卖的血不是在家，俺家没那设备呢
副考官：哎`!(摇摇头)
主考官：那现在你们认真说说觉得该怎么推销自己才能让那姑娘接受自己呢?
龙民：俺觉得。。。
副考官：停，你不准说话，跟我蹲一边去(龙民可怜巴巴的走到台边)
贞有权：我觉得这问题有问题
副考官：废话，没问题它能叫问题吗?
泰有才：我觉得这个问题有很大的探讨价值，如果允许我给我的导师打个电话问问
考官们：你们。。。。
主考官：为什么你们就觉得这个问题就那么难呢?
龙民，泰有才，贞有权，：这问题不好{龙民从台边站了起来}
副考官恶狠狠的说：龙民谁叫你起来了，继续回去蹲好
龙民灰溜溜的蹲了下去，双手抱头
副考官：这问题怎么就不好了?
(龙民又站了起来并走到台前)龙民说：那考官你愿意把自己卖了吗? 策吧网
副考官：谁叫你把自己卖了啊?
龙民说：推销自己不就等于卖了自己吗?考官你愿意把自己卖了吗?
(考官怒，另外2位应聘者大笑)
主考官:你觉得你现在不像是商品吗?生活在这个竞争激烈的环境中，有学历的太多，有背景的也多。有经验的更多，如果你不能把自己很好的推销出去你觉得会有公司接受你吗?刚考官只是打个比方，其实那女孩就是你正在寻找的工作，你不能让那姑娘接受你就等于没办法让你们寻找中的公司接受你，最终你们还是一无所有。希望你能够明白。其实你们进来我们公司应聘之前我们就对你们做过详细的调查。我们对你们已经有所了解，我们公司也正需要像你们这样的人才，泰有才：学历深厚，能为公司在说服顾客方面做很大贡献。贞有权，遇事冷静，很会使用个人人际关系来达到推销目的。龙民，虽然你土了点知识少了点，我相信大部分老板还是喜欢和老实人做生意的，起码会很诚实。所以你们3个我们暂时录用，试用期2个月。
(龙民，泰有才，贞有权惊讶)
泰有才：对不起，考官，我觉得这样太不公平而且我相信我的学识，所以我希望4位考官能够再给我们一个机会，我们要让4位心服口服的录用我们
主考官：很好，贞有权呢?
贞有权：我从来不知道服输是怎么写的，我同意泰有才说的
(主考官笑笑)：恩(4位考官和前2位应聘这用怀疑的眼神看着龙民)
(龙民害怕的拱了拱手)：俺媳妇在俺出门时告诉俺，出来后要多和城里人学，俺告诉你们俺很听俺媳妇的话的，所以俺跟随前面2位城里大学生脚步走。
(所有人都笑了)
主考官：那么明天同一时刻我们再次考察3位。(掌声)
[落幕]
篇三：6人英语话剧剧本《逃课》
Skipping Class
6人剧本。《逃课》，绝对适合大学生的剧本，讲述逃课的故事。
Cast
Anita: Never understands why students like to skip classes
p classes but dares not to do it
Jason: Always commits himself not to skip classes
Steven: Always gives himself a good excuse for skipping class
Rita: A professional class skipper
铸造
安妮塔：不明白为什么学生喜欢逃课
P课却不敢去做
杰森：总是把自己不逃课
史提芬：总是给自己一个好理由逃课
丽塔：一个专业课队长
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Scene I
(Anita, Kevin, Ken, Jason, Steven, and Rita are all Tunghai University students. They are good friends. One day, Ken and Jason meet on the way to the classroom.)
Ken: Why are you late? And, you just missed the last class.（安妮塔，凯文，杰森，肯，史提芬，和丽塔都是东海大学的学生。他们是好朋友。有一天，肯恩和杰森相遇在去教室的路上。）
肯：你为什么迟到？而且，你只是错过了最后一班。
（安妮塔，凯文，杰森，肯，史提芬，和丽塔都是东海大学的学生。他们是好朋友。有一天，肯恩和杰森相遇在去教室的路上。）
肯：你为什么迟到？而且，你只是错过了最后一班。Ken: Sure if you give me a good reason why you missed the class. You promised me that you would be in class on time today.
肯：如果你给我一个好理由你为什么错过了上课。你答应我，你今天会准时上课。 Jason: Believe me, I would like to keep my word. The problem is that I have the “Business Management” test today and I was up studying for it till three o’clock this morning. Then I fell asleep and woke up at ten o’clock this morning.
杰森：相信我，我愿意遵守我的道。问题是，我有“企业管理”的考验今天我是学习它直到今天早上三点。然后我睡着了，醒来在早上十点。
Ken: You studied until three o’clock this morning? Why? What did you do yesterday afternoon? I know you were free from four o’clock on yesterday. 肯：你学习到凌晨三点？为什么呢？你昨天下午在做什么？我知道你是免费的从四点昨天。
Jason: Well, I met one of my very old friends on line and we just talked too long…杰森：嗯，我遇见了我的一个老朋友在线和我们聊天的时间太长了? Ken: For God’s sake! Don’t you care about next week’s mid-term examination?
肯：看在上帝的份上！下周你不在乎的期中考试吗？
英语剧本大全
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Scene II
(Anita, Steven and Kevin are talking to one another in front of a classroom. And, Anita is trying to prevent Steven and Kevin from cutting the next class.) 安妮塔，史提芬和凯文正在谈论彼此在教室前面。而且，安妮塔试图阻止史提芬和凯文从切割下一级。）
Anita: Hey, we’ll have the “Business Management” class in a few minutes. Where are you going? Don’t tell me that you are going安妮塔：嘿，我们会有“企业管理”课在几分钟。你去哪儿？别告诉我你要跟杰森争论。 to argue with Jason.
Steven: I will do anything for my good friend. Of course I am going to argue with the guy who gave my good friend a hard time.
史提芬：我会做任何事，因为我的好朋友。当然，我会跟那个给我的好朋友很难。 Anita: You always like to get involved in someone else’s business. You’ll get yourself in trouble. Don’t you know it? ...
安妮塔：你总是喜欢介入别人的事。你会惹上麻烦。你不知道吗？?
Kevin: Anita, don’t be upset with him. He will not listen to you. Just leave him alone. By the way, I am still waiting for your decision. Are you coming with me to the concert tomorrow?
凯文：安妮塔，别跟他生气。他不会听你的。只留下他一个人。顺便说一下，我依然等待你的决定。明天你跟我一起去听音乐会吗？
Anita: Oh, I am sorry that I almost forgot it. What time tomorrow? 安妮塔：哦，我很抱歉，我差点忘了。明天什么时候？
Kevin: Two o’clock. I cannot wait to see my adorable superstar – Jolin. Oh, how wonderful!
凯文：二点。我不能等着看我的可爱的超级巨星–蔡依林。哦。多好啊！ Anita: wait a minute. We have Calculus class tomorrow afternoon. Are you out of your安妮塔：等一等。我们明天下午有数学课。你疯了吗？mind?
Kevin: Well, I’m not. Yet I think we can just copy the notes from someone else.
Anita: No, this is a very important class. And you would never understand it without凯文：嗯，我不。但我认为我们可以抄笔记从别人
安妮塔：不，这是一个非常重要的一类。你永远不会了解它没有听讲座。listening to the lecture.
Kevin: To me it makes no difference. Even if I were in the class I would never understand what the teacher is talking about. Besides, who likes to look at the old baldhead? 凯文：对我来说没有区别。即使我在班上我不理解老师在讲什么。此外，谁喜欢看老秃头？
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Scene III
(After Calculus class, Anita is on the way to the ST building. At the same time, Rita is walking to the ST building from the dorm. They meet in front of the laboratory.) （在微积分课程，安妮塔正前往圣建筑。同时，丽塔走到圣建筑从宿舍。他们满足实验室前面。）
Rita: Here I am. Look, I did what I promised. I am a good girl, not skipping classes. 丽塔：我在这里。看，我做到了我的承诺。我是一个好女孩，不逃课
Anita: What are you talking about? This is the 5th class. You skipped the first four classes this morning. Yesterday you promised that you would not skip any class.
安妮塔：你在说什么？这是第五班。你跳过了今天早上的第一班四。昨天你保证你不会跳过任何班
Rita: Did I? We don’t have any class in the morning but we’re packed in the afternoon on Wednesdays. 丽塔：真的吗？我们没有在上午上课但是我们装在星期三下午
Anita: I beg your pardon? Today is Thursday and we have classes the whole day. Besides, didn’t you meet us this morning while we were going out to class?
安妮塔：请你原谅我？今天是星期四，我们班的一天。此外，你早上没接我们去上课吗？
Rita: I thought you were going to the library.
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Scene IV
(Ken and Rita are talking to each other. They are talking about how to skip a
篇四：搞笑英语话剧剧本.1doc
搞笑英语话剧剧本《 荆珂刺秦王》 旁白(Aside )/介绍（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous sword
搞笑英语话剧剧本《 荆珂刺秦王》
旁白(Aside )/介绍（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman剑客 and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.
Action I
太子丹（上，掏出镜子梳头，做自恋状）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world? (画外音：It’s you, Prince Dan! 太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! （面对观众） I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world. But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth. I am so scared. So what can I do? (向幕里大叫) Where is my minister?
阿三(毕恭毕敬) : Honey, I am coming.
太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!
阿三：Sure, honey! I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作杀状）
太子：Oh yeah~~~. What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么，人才！然后拍阿三肩膀，做赞许状） Good idea! But who is the right candidate?
阿三：After screening I have two promising persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.
太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?
阿三：Yes.
Action II（《十面埋伏》中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐）
荆轲
Are you Li mochou?
李莫愁
Yes.
荆轲
OK. I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.
李莫愁
Are you challenging me?
荆轲
Off course! 耸耸肩表示同意
莫愁
Come on!
音乐起
两人冲上前来
“人在江湖漂啊，哪有不挨刀啊，一刀砍死你啊，两刀砍死你啊。。。。” 李莫愁倒地
荆轲大笑
李莫愁痛苦状：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt?
荆轲: We don't need any reason to win a person. Don't we? Do we? （赢
一个人需要理由么，不需要么，需要么？）
李莫愁：Momma always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou. You never know what you're gonna get." I got it, Momma is right. 轲再次大笑
太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you?
荆柯：Fine, thank you, and you?
太子丹：Oh my God! Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”?
荆柯：Sure!
太子丹：How are you?
荆柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife?
太子丹晕倒
荆柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!
太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please? 荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸，上面写着：
To be or not to be, that's a question.
阿三：Hero，we need your help.
荆柯：I am busy now!
太子丹：You can get a lot of money.
荆柯：I am very busy now!
阿三：IC, ID, IQ card?
荆柯：I am very very busy now!
阿三(手指上场的美女，激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.
荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!
阿三：What? What’s the TCM?
荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.
阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM?
观众甲：TCM - Traditional Chinese MM .
太子丹：I must show you the trump card. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea. It is a brand new product of Unilever China.
荆柯（激动）：Slimming减食疗法 tea! I have dreamed of it for thousands of times. My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.
阿三：You want? Speak up if you want! Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up. Take it! Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧？难道你真的想要吗??
荆柯(诚恳状) Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you. 太子丹与阿三（撞胯，击掌）Yeah!
Action Ш（《大话西游》主题曲响起）
荆珂挽着妻子，太子丹,阿三在后.
阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.
荆珂：Just stop here, please. Farewell, my friends
太子丹：I will miss you, baby.
（太子丹，阿三下。停顿。《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起，荆轲与妻子做Jack和rose
在船头的经典造型，忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过，向荆轲抛媚眼，并抛下定情手绢。荆轲高兴的盯着美女看，妻子发觉不对，扭过头来。）
荆珂（急忙收敛）：Darling, I love you.
妻子：I love you! You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!（《肖申克的救赎》）
荆珂(流泪) ：I love you more. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. (哪怕是世界末日我都会爱着你，选自《飘》)
妻子：Well. Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you. 荆珂（欲走还留，执子之手又曰）：Sweetheart! You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克号沉船时，Jack对Rose的倾诉）.
妻子:"I promise."
荆轲:"Never let go. “妻子:"I promise. I will never let go, Jack. I'll never let go."
（荆轲的发音和jack很像，所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词。） 妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪，
荆珂上船，渐渐远去
妻子：It’s a good day to die. Never come back. Never?? Never?? 妻子(掏出手机拨号，阿三接手机)： Thank you very much. As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.