初一幽默的英语作文
篇一：英语短文故事(幽默笑话)
英语短文故事
短文一:
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,
"That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch." 短文二：
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1million U.S.
The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
短文三：
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating. I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
短文四：
An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in
prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." 短文五:
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her
mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
短文六：
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den（私室，贼窝） . What is the big brass gong（锣） and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?
Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!
短文七：
On her return from school，little Dolly，aged ten，was pulled on to her Daddy's knee，and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise a little baby brother．She see med glad，and presently said：
“Will you give me a stamp，daddy？I want to write and tell
brother Tom．”
The father was touched by this，and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother，who was away at school．Later，curious to know how she would tell the news，he took an opportunity to read what she had writen．He received something of a shock on reading the following： “Dear Tom， It's come off today．You've lost；it's a boy．” 短文八：
One evening，in the midst of dinner preparation，our 10 yearold daughter asked，“Mom my， what's puberty？”My wife was rushed at the moment，so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary，after which they could talk about it．
A few minutes later，Peggy returned．Her mother asked what the dictionary had said．“Puberty means，”announced Peggy，“the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children．” “What do you think of that？” my wife asked．
“I'm not sure，” Peggy replied．“I've always been able to bear children．It's adults I can't bear．”
短文九：
There was a small boy who had been given a little terrier for his very own，on which he bestowed the name of Paddy，and loved mightily．He was very saddened by the fact that he could
not take his pet away with him on his holidays，which he was spending with some relatives in the country．
Whilst he was away Paddy's young life was cut short by an unfortunate adventure with a motor．The boy's mother feared he would take the news very hardly on his return；she broke it very gently，therefore，and was rather surprised that the little lad did not seem much perturbed．Later，however，she heard him weeping lustily in his bed．He was inarticulate with grief，but his brother explained that he was crying“about Paddy”． “But，” said the mother，“I told him about it this morning，and he did not seem to mind！”
The brother explained，“yes，but he thought you said Daddy．” 短文十：
It was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth．
“What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met． “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply．
篇二：幽默英语课程系列之(学生用)初中英语作文第一课
初中英语作文第一课
第一部分：句子练习
一：1个句子结构（主系表句子结构）
1）状态系动词用来表示主语状态，只有be一词，例如： He is a teacher. She is a very good girl . (主语) (连系动词) (表语) The girl is very good.
(主语) (连系动词) (表语)
模仿造句：
2）持续系动词用来表示主语继续或保持一种状况或态度，主要有keep, rest, remain, stay, lie, stand, 例如： He always kept silent at meeting.
模仿造句：
3）表像系动词用来表示“看起来像”这一概念，主要有seem, appear, look, 例如： He seems (to be) very sad.
模仿造句：
4）感官系动词主要有feel, smell, sound, taste, 例如： This kind of cloth feels very soft.
模仿造句：
5）变化系动词表示主语变成什么样，主要有become, grow, turn, fall, get, go, come, run.例如： He became mad after that.
模仿造句：
6）终止系动词表示主语已终止动作，主要有prove, turn out, 表达"证实"，"变成"之意，例如： The rumor proved false. His plan turned out a success.
模仿造句：
二：1个句子种类（陈述句）：
1. 凡是说明一件事情，提出一个看法，或者表达一种心情的句子都是陈述句。
大多数的句子都是陈述句，它可以用肯定式和否定式，句末用句号.，通常用降调。
掌握陈述句的肯定式和否定式的构成及用法。
e.g. We live in Tianjin. （肯定句）我们住在天津。
模仿造句：
We don't live in Shanghai. （否定句）我们不住在上海。
模仿造句：.
注意：（1）在一般现在时的肯定式中，主语是第三人称单数时，动词要改成第三人称单数形式。
e.g. John studies Chinese very well.
模仿造句：
（2）一般现在时和一般过去时的否定式要加助动词do （does）, did. e.g. I don't like swimming. 我不喜欢游泳。
模仿造句：
He doesn't have lunch at home every day. 他每天不在家吃午饭。 模仿造句：
They didn't play football yesterday. 他们昨天没有踢足球。 模仿造句：
三：几个常犯错误
1）主谓不一致
My sister go to the cinema at least once a week. (误)
改：
2）动词时态、语态的误用
I was walking along the road, and there are not so many cars on the street. (误)
改：
I am a student who has studying in the college for two years. (误)
改：
3）修改病句和错句！
1. We have computer class one week a time.
改：
2. There have 100 books.
改：
四：几个句型练习
1） ?..the most + 形容词 + 名词 + (that) + 主词 + have ever + seen (known/heard/had/read, etc)
例句：Helen is the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen. 海伦是我所看过最美丽的女孩。
Mr. Chang is the kindest teacher that I have ever had. 张老师是我曾经遇到最仁慈的教师。
模仿造句：
2） Nothing is + ~~~ er than to + V Nothing is + more + 形容词 + than to + V
例句：Nothing is more important than to receive education. 没有比接受教育更重要的事。
模仿造句：
3）. 例证用语：
in one’s opinion, that is to say, for example, in fact
A. There is one more topic to discuss, /that is ( to say ), the question of education.
模仿造句：
第二部分：写作方法
1、审题和构思阶段
首先要确定人称。中考作文对于情景都会有详细的设定，对于写作人的姓名以及背景都交代得很清楚。所以弄清楚自己是以什么样的身份来进行写作非常重要。一定要严格按照题目的要求和设定来写。千万不可自己乱编一个名字或者学校，这样的卷子通常会被当作作弊处理，即使你写的并不是你的真实姓名。
然后还要注意要点以及词数，在此基础上编写提纲。各地的中考作文根据学生水平的不同，一般会给出几个要点，而且最后通常都会要求学生有适当的发挥，这是同学们很容易漏掉的要点。也有个别要求特别高的地区只给题目，不给要点，全篇文章由学生自己把握和发挥，如上海。确定要点后就可以结合题目要求的词数进行提纲的编写，同学们有时为了凑字数常常一边写一边数，其实我们可以在写提纲的时候进行规划。如果平均每个句子8个词的话，80个词就大概写10个句子，然后再给每个要点分配若干个句子，重要的要点或者可以发挥的要点就多写几个句子。在列好提纲后，写起作文来就胸有成竹，也容易控制，也可以避免写得过长，到后面就匆匆结尾。对于只给题目，不给要点的作文，列提纲就更为重要了。
最后谈一下文件的选择！
中考最常见的文体是记叙文。记叙文里面最常用的时态是过去时，因为记叙文通常要求描写过去发生的事情。例如湖北咸宁08年的中考作文题，要求根据所给图片描写汶川地震后，灾区小朋友们度过的一个难忘的六一儿童节。
A1,记叙文还有一种要用一般现在时来写作的，这种文章通常是关于目前的社会状况、生活、兴趣爱好和学习状况等的描述。
例如08年南京中考题以“My English Learning”为题，介绍自己的英语学习状况。
A2,当谈论自己的计划或打算时，记叙文也会使用将来时。例如厦门的中考题，和大家分享自己心中的暑假计划等。
B,中考另一种比较常见的文体是说明文。说明文的用途在于提供信息，通常用来介绍某些事物的特征、性质等，客观性比较强。
例如山东威海的中考作文“Welcome to Liu Gong Island”，要求描述刘公岛的概况、交通情况等，这是一篇非常典型的说明文。说明文最经常使用的时态是一般现在时。
C,中考对议论文的要求也是处于要点作文的层次，通常都会给出论点和论据，然后文章最后个人适当地提出一些意见。
例如08年连云港中考作文讨论“白色垃圾”的危害并提出个人建议。议论文通常用于表述自己的观点，这些观点的表达通常使用一般现在时。论据若是目前存在的一些情况，也是用一般现在时，但是若需要引用过去发生的事件，则要用相应的过去时态。在议论文写作中容易出现一种审题的失误，这就是有些同学们在描写完题目给出的观点以及论据以后，往往会忽略题目要求最后还要提出一些自己的看法，而导致文章的要点不完整。
D，应用文最常见的是书信。书信的内容有记叙性的，如08年河南中考作文要求写信给班主任李老师，描述自己学习生活上遇到的一些问题，并请她提些建议。也有说明性质的书信，如08年江苏盐城中考作文是向外国友人介绍中国剪纸这一传统民间艺术。还有议论性的，通过书信表达自己对某些事情或情况的意见和看法等。
D2日记也是应用文的一种，大部分是记叙文，但由于日记还会涉及到个人的心情、感悟以及想法等，所以在时态的选用上要特别谨慎。一般来说，描述事件用过去的时态，而描述个人的想法和感悟等则用现在时，表决心之类的内容则用将来时。
E,发言稿一般是议论性的，发言者的目的是为了说服听众接受自己的观点。但是也有记叙性或者说明性的发言稿，目的是为了向听众提供信息或者介绍某些事物。如08年安徽中考作文题是向美国中学生代表团介绍自己学校开展小组合作学习以及自主学习的情况。
F,有时中考中也会出现倡议书这种文体，例如08年山东青岛的中考作文。倡议书的目的是号召人们行动，所以会经常用到can，may等表示建议的情态动词，以及祈使句等。倡议书的结尾通
第三部分：写作练习
记叙文（narration）
记叙文也曾记事文，用于记叙事情的发展变化或人物的经历，它简单易学又很常用，所以最适合学生学习英语作文。它可以通过记日记的形式进行练习。学记叙文时习作者可将自己一天的活动（或一次活动）依时间顺序或空间顺序记下来。当然，随着写作水平的提高，以后就应该打破这种顺序的限制。 记叙文必须包括以下几点：
(1) 所叙述的事件都应包括开头(beginning)，主体(main body)和结尾(ending)三个部分。不论叙述一个人或一件事，必须有情节发展的过程。有时可以有冲突、高潮，这样文章不会平淡无奇。
(2）要确定用第一人称写还是用第三人称写。第一人称使人读来亲切，第三人称容易使读者有身临其境的感觉。
(3) 记叙文应该包括六要素，即：时间（when）、地点(where)、人物(who)、事件(what)、原因(why)和结果(how)。
可以以事件发生的时间次序写，也可以以事件发生的先后写。以写“春游”为例，可先简单写如何准备（before the spring outing），然后是文章主体春游的过程（during the spring outing），碰到什么问题（如天气、事故等突发事件），如何解决。最后简单写感想（after the spring outing）。写活动细节要详细得当，写感想要有真实流露。叙述的方式可以分顺序、倒叙和插叙。由于记叙文总是记叙一个事件，所以往往用过去时态。
（4）记叙文难免要用对话。对话可以衬托出说话者的个性，幽默的对话可以使记叙文显得生动。
【例1】
Debbie and Simon are students. On Saturday mornings, when they are not at school, they are at work. They have part-time jobs with the Sunbeam Travel Company. They are sitting in the office.
Debbie and Simon looked up as the door opened and a middle-aged, well-dressed lady entered. She glanced at them both, hesitated a moment, then walked over and sat down opposite Debbie. Debbie greeted her cheerfully, and got down to business. “I want to go by train from Germany to Paris. Can you??”
Simon sighed, picked up some paper from his desk and took it over to the fax machine. Mr Yang, one of Sunbeam’s senior employees, was standing there. He said, “What’s up, Simon? You don’t look very happy?” “Nothing,” Simon said.
Mr Yang put his hand on Simon’s shoulder.
“Come on,” he said. “Tell me. I’m your friend as well as your colleague.” He gave an encouraging smile.
“It’s the customers,” Simon said. “They always prefer Debbie to me. I can’t understand it.”
“I can. It’s the way you communicate.”
篇三：新初中幽默英语演讲稿
新初中幽默英语演讲稿
Love Your Mother
爱你的母亲
Why are you crying, a young boy asked his Mom?
你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈.
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
因为我是女人,她告诉他.
"I don't understand," he said.
我不明白.他回答
His Mom just hugged him and said,
"And you never will, but that's O.K.".......
妈妈拥抱了他说,"你永远也不会明白,但没关系..."
Later the little boy asked his father,
"Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?".
后来小男孩问他的父亲"妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his Dad could say......
"所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣",这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...
The little boy grew up and became a man,
still wondering why women cry.
等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候,
他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.
Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him, he asked "God, why do women cry so easily?"
最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问"上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣?"
GOD answered......
上帝回答:
"When I made woman,
I decided she had to be special.
I made her shoulders
strong enough to carry
the weight of the world, yet,
made her arms gentle enough to give comfort...
"当我创造女人的时候,
我决定把她造的很特别,
篇四：初一英语作文
1. My Friend（我的朋友）
I have a good friend. Her name is May. She is 12 years old.Her telephone number is 87634966 Her birthday is March 5th. She is good at English and Chiese.She often plays the piano. She likes reading books and listening to the music. Her hobbies are reading and listening to music. She is a nice girl. We often help each other. We are good friends.
2.假设你是李枚，下面的照片是你的全家福，请你写一篇文章介绍你的家庭。
Hello,everyone!I'm LiMei.Look! This is my family photo. This is my grandmother. She is 58. This is my father. He is a teacher. He is 36. and my mother is 36,
too. Who’s that boy? Oh, he is my brother. He is 13 and I am 12. My brother and I are students.
3.假设这是TOM的房间，请你用80词左右介绍他的房间。
Look! This is Tom’s room. His photos are on the wall. His T-shirt is on the bed. His baseball bat is behind the dresser. The keys are in the drawer. The computer is on the desk. Where is Tom’s baseball? Oh, It’s under the bed. What is on the floor? They are Tom’s shoes, socks and computer games. What do you think of Tom’s room?
4.写一篇文章介绍你的朋友JIM所拥有的体育器材和他喜欢的体育运动。
Jim has a great sports collection. He has 10 basketballs, 4 footballs,2 ping-pong balls, 15volleyballs and 9 baseballs. He doesn’t have a ping-pong bat, but he has 8 tennis rackets. Of all the sports, He likes tennis best. He likes sports very much,
because he thinks sports are good for health. He often plays tennis and basketball with his friends after school.
1.我有一个好朋友。她的名字叫梅。她12岁。她的电话号码是87634966 。她的生日是3月5日。她擅长英语和汉语。她经常弹钢琴。她喜欢看书和听音乐。她的爱好是读书和听音乐。她是一个好女孩。我们经常互相帮助。我们是好朋友。
2.大家好！我是LiMei.看！这是我的全家福。这是我的祖母。她58岁。这是我的父亲。他是一名教师。他36岁。我的母亲也是36岁。那个男孩是谁？哦，他是我哥哥。他13岁，我12岁。我的哥哥和我都是学生。
3. 瞧！这是汤姆的房间。他的照片挂在墙上。他的T恤在床上。他的棒球棒在梳妆台后面。钥匙在抽屉里。计算机在书桌上。汤姆的棒球在哪里？哦，在床底下。地板上是什么？它们是汤姆的鞋子，袜子和电脑游戏。你觉得汤姆的房间怎么样？
4.吉姆拥有一个大的体育用品收藏。他有10个篮球，4个足球，2乒乓球，15个排球和9个棒球。他没有一个乒乓球球拍，但他有8个网球拍。在所有的运动中，他最喜欢打网球。他很喜欢运动，因为他认为运动是对健康有益的。他经常在放学后和他的朋友们打网球和篮球。
5.自我介绍
My name is Wang Ming.My birthday is June 5th. I am Chinese. I am a student.I study very hard.My favorite subject is English. I like it because it is interesting. I can play the piano and the trumpet, but not very well. I love swimming and I am good at it.Of all kinds of movies, I like comedies best. I think they're interesting. I’m one of the best students in my class. My teachers all say I am a good student.They all like me and I like them, too.
6. My English Teacher（我的英语老师）
Miss Wang is my English teacher. She looks very young.She's about thirty years old, and she wears glasses.She's funny . But she is strict with us. She wants us to study hard, Her lessons are interesting. We are very happy in her class and we all like her lessons. She is a good teacher, and we all like her.
7.Music Lovers Wanted（招聘音乐爱好者）
We need more music lovers in our club. Do you like music? Can you sing? Can you dance? Can you play the violin, the piano, the guitar or the drums? If your answers are “yes”, then you can join our music club. Please call Gina at 612-5568.
8. （谈谈你对电影的看法）Of all kinds of movies, I like comedies best. I think they're interesting. My favorite actor is Jackie. I like his movie King of Comedy. I think it’s a successful comedy. For action movies, I like The Lord of the Ring best. It’s exciting. I like documentaries because they’re true stories. I like only some thrillers. Many thrillers are scary and boring.
5.我的名字是王明.我的生日是6月5日。我是中国人。我是一个学生.我学习很努力.我的最喜欢的科目是英语。我喜欢它，因为它很有趣。我可以弹钢琴和吹喇叭，但不是很好。我喜欢游泳并且我很擅长.在所有种类的电影中，我最喜欢喜剧片。我想他们很有趣。我是我班上最好的学生之一。我的老师都说我是一个很好的学生.他们都喜欢我，我也喜欢他们。
6.王老师是我的英语老师。她看起来很young.She的约三十岁，她穿glasses.She很有趣。不过，她严格要求我们。她要我们努力学习，她的课很有意思。我们非常高兴，在她的课堂，我们都喜欢她的课。她是一位好老师，我们都喜欢她。
7.我们需要在我们的俱乐部更多的音乐爱好者。你喜欢音乐吗？你能唱歌吗？你能跳舞吗？你能拉小提琴，钢琴，吉他，打鼓呢？如果你的答案是“yes”，那么你可以加入我们的音乐俱乐部。请致电612-5568吉娜。
8.在各种各样的电影中，我最喜欢喜剧片。我想他们很有趣。我最喜欢的演员是成龙。我喜欢他的电影“喜剧之王”。我认为这是一个成功的喜剧。至于动作片，我最喜欢“指环王”。它令人兴奋。我喜欢纪录片，因为他们是真实的故事。我只喜欢一些恐怖片。许多恐怖片都太恐怖和无聊。
9.请你写一篇短文介绍你的周末生活。
I have a good weekend. On Saturday morning ,I do my homework. After lunch, I go shopping with my
mother. At about five o’clock, I go to play basketball with my friend. On Sunday, I watch a football game on TV. I often help my mother do housework. I watch TV with my parents in the evening. Then I go to bed at nine o’clock. I’m very happy on weekends.
10.以 My Favorite…为题，写一篇短文
My favorite subject is English. I like it because it is interesting. I have English every day. I can speak a little English. I join the school English club. Every afternoon I go there to talk in English. I can see the English movies and read English books. I think it is useful for me. I want to learn it well. I like English very much.
11.介绍你的一日三餐。
Hello, everyone! I don’t like sports, but I like eating very much. I eat a lot food every day. For breakfast, I like milk, eggs and bread a lot . For lunch, I like French fries, chicken, hamburgers and apples. For dinnerr, I like fruits, vegetables and rice.
12.My Day（我的一天）
I get up early at six every day. After doing some morning exercises, I read English for twenty minutes. At seven I have breakfast. After breakfast I take my schoolbag and go to school. Our class begins at eight, and we have four classes in the morning. After lunch at 12 o’clock, I take a short rest in the classroom. We have three more classes in the afternoon.After school at five , I go back home. I often help my mother do some housework. Sometimes I watch TV. After dinner, I begin to do my homework. Then I take a shower. I go to bed at nine thirty.
9.我有一个美好的周末。星期六早上，我做我的功课。午饭后，我和我的母亲去购物。大约5点，我和我的朋友一起玩篮球。星期天，我在电视上观看足球比赛。我经常帮助妈妈做家务。晚上我与我的父母看电视。然后我在九点钟去睡觉。周末我很高兴。
10.我最喜欢的科目是英语。我喜欢它，因为它很有趣。我每一天都有英语课。我会讲一点英语。我参加了学校的英语俱乐部。每天下午我去那里用英语交谈。我可以看英文电影和阅读英文书籍。我想这对我来说是有用的。我想学好它。我非常喜欢英语。
11.大家好！我不喜欢运动，但我很喜欢吃。我每天吃很多食物。早餐，我非常喜欢牛奶，鸡蛋和面包。午餐，我喜欢薯条，鸡肉，汉堡包和苹果。对于晚餐，我喜欢水果，蔬菜和大米。
篇五：英文小幽默
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，?醉?字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的 一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是 A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
My little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员，
这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
安眠药
鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”
“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”
Customer: Waiter, I've only got one piece of meat in my dish.
Waiter:Just a moment, sir and I'll cut it in two.
顾客：服务员，我盘子里怎么只有一块肉？
服务员：先生，请稍候，我去把它切成两块。
I have heard one sad story of a hitchhiker who went into a shop and saw the sign "Lift" but found it too heavy, then saw the sign "Pet Supplies" so he did, this wasn't too bad but then he went outside and saw the sign "Compact Cars" and went to prison for ten years.
A：一个搭车者，走进一家商店，看见Lift(千斤顶)的标签，看见Pet Supplies(宠物用品)的标签，看见Compact Cars(小轿车)的标签，最后却被关进监狱，判刑十年。
B： 我曾听说过一个倒霉的故事，有一个搭车者，走进一家商店，看见Lift标签，想抢一个千斤顶，但千斤顶太重，所以没抢;看见Pet Supplies标签，抢了一些宠物用品，不过宠物用品并不值几个钱，所以罪行并不严重;但当他走出商店时，看见Compact Cars标签，他又抢了一辆小轿车，所以最后他被警察逮住，坐牢十年。
这段话其实是一个笑话，其中的Lift、Pet和 Compact，并不是名词或形容词，而是动词，意思分别是：举起、抚摸和压扁，因此这段话的真正意思是：我曾听说过一个倒霉的故事，有一个搭车者，走进 一家商店，看见一个标签上写着“举起来”，可是那个东西太重了;看见一个标签上写着“拍拍商品”，于是就拍了拍，这也没什么;但当他走出商店时，又看见一 个标签，上面写着“砸汽车”，结果被判坐牢十年。